YES, it's a standing joke - that as soon as a young, beautiful, preferably blonde, preferably Swedish, girl arrives in a household, the man is going to end up hopping into bed with her. But let me tell you, after watching this documentary, that sleeping with the au pair is not all it is cracked up to be.

For a start, there's the inevitable unhappiness and heartbreak, which this film highlights graphically. But also, the au pairs are not the sexy, seductive creatures of fantasy but girls who are dumpy, sulky or unappealing (and, in one case, all three). You have to wonder what possessed the men involved (although, actually, we can guess the answer to that).

The programme tells the story of three men who slept with their au pairs, each recounted in their own words.

In the first tale, Lady Alice Douglas, married to former robber Simon Melia (right), even talks about her au pair's lack of allure.

"One of my friends joked, saying, 'Oh you don't need to worry about Simon running off with her - she's like a pitbull.' It wasn't just that she was plain and unattractive, she was a morose, grumpy girl."

But that didn't stop Simon. He started having an affair with Magda, the morose pitbull (and the only one of the au pairs who doesn't take part in the programme). It made home life difficult, to say the least. "I was desperate to show Magda no attention in front of Alice and desperate to show Alice no attention in front of Magda," he admits.

One of the messages that comes across in the programme is that when a marriage hits a testing or difficult period, a husband can see the au pair as a refuge - offering undemanding attention, affection and, of course, sex.

Next there is military man Alistair, who seems to be a serial offender. He left his wife for the au pair and then left his au pair and started a relationship with his babysitter.

And then there's Tariq, who employed Petra even though she didn't seem like the ideal girl for the job (she said "no" to everything he asked her). He explains: "There was something that I couldn't put my finger on which was quite appealing."

Hmm, wonder what it could have been?

Well, whatever it was, he soon had his finger on it (and she stopped saying "no") because they became lovers. In fact, she's the only au pair in the programme who is still with her partner - and planning to get married.

So, the crunch question goes to Petra.

Would she employ a young girl to help around the house? "Never! I would never have an au pair," she vows. "Because how could I trust him?"

And she knows what she's talking about.

SOAP BOX

Emmerdale 7pm, ITV1 Shelly decides to leave the village and Sam is ready to do the same thing. Only 36 more characters to go .

Coronation Street

7.30pm, ITV1 Janice is worried that her actions have made everyone miserable (strange, she's never usually bothered) and wonders whether she's done the right thing in getting rid of Chesney.

Meanwhile, Martin is toying with the idea of going back with Katy, but wants to talk about it with someone first.

So, who does he choose? Why, ex-wife Gail (Helen Worth, above), of course.

Not surprisingly, she is against the idea and pours poison into Martin's mind (from that seemingly bottomless vat of poison that she seems to have constantly bubbling away in a secret room at the back of the kitchen).

The Long Firm

9pm, BBC2

It's the last episode of this marvellous crime story, front runner as the year's best drama series, and we find Harry Starks in jail. However, he may be down on his luck, but he is certainly not low on charisma - or attitude.

"I am not seeing another shrink," Harry announces. "I have seen all the shrinks in the prison system, and you know what? They're all mad."

Into the prison education scheme comes Lenny, an idealistic criminology lecturer - who quickly falls under Harry's spell.

As in all the stories in this series, Harry grows in stature, while the person near him diminishes. Lenny's academic career stalls and his book on crime fails to find a publisher, while Harry marches on to knowledge, understanding and an Open University degree. Not that his qualification changes how people view him in prison.

"They still say I am mad. Only a mad person would watch that much Open University, for a start."

This has been a excellent series, suffused with the dark brilliance of Mark Strong as Harry (above). Surely a Best Actor award is heading his way.

Medical Mysteries

10.35pm, BBC1

The last of the documentaries about medical conditions featured in Hollywood films. Encephalitis lethargica was a "modern plague" in the 1920s, turning ordinary people into living statues. Yet within 10 years, the condition vanished only to resurface decades later - a story told in the 1990 film Awakenings, starring Robert De Niro (left). This documentary contains a striking moment, when modern sufferer Patricia is shown having an attack.

Return to Encephalitis lethargica

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