Bloom syndrome

I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I'VE COME ACROSS A WOMAN WHO thought her new relationship was progressing when seemingly out of nowhere it fell apart. Her man was mysteriously gone, and she was clueless as to why.

From what I've observed as a relationship therapist, during the dating phase men may be almost totally silent about something that bothers them until the very moment they can't take it anymore and abruptly pull the plug. They may never explain exactly what caused the sudden change. They simply disappear without a trace, and the women are left wondering, Why didn't he just say something?

The tendency to keep mum when something's not right is one of the biggest relationship mistakes Black men make. So I'm breaking that silence to point out dating errors that can short-circuit a romance before it even gets off the ground. By steering clear of them, you may improve the quality of your relationship.

1. Too Intimate Too Soon

CeCe always prided herself on keeping her wits about her when the heat was on, but it had been a while since she had been out with a man who was so attentive. Even though it was only her second date with Errol, she felt as if some of her long-lost sense of romance and passion were being reawakened. Before she knew it, she was caught up in the moment doing what she knew better than to do. Afterward she remembered staring at the ceiling until dawn wondering why she had given in. Errol called

the following day (thank goodness!) and sounded, well, casual. CeCe began to obsess over everything, from the tone of his voice to the regularity of his calls and even his facial expressions. She couldn't stop wondering what he really thought of her and whether their relationship was going anywhere. Errol liked her but began to feel that the cost of having sex with CeCe was too high. He wasn't ready to declare a long-term commitment to her. It was too early in the game to be pinned down. Their budding romance died on the vine before it ever had a chance to bloom.

WHAT WENT WRONG: Pramature sex tends to bump expectations up to a higher level when there's no relationship to base them on. Sure, you get the physical pleasure, but there can be a tendency to overplay the emotional content of the act. It becomes nearly impossible to return to the early stages of building a relationship incrementally after you've shared your body--and, at least momentarily, your heart--with him. You'll probably find pursuing him too much of an emotional risk; he's likely to feel it's too much work to live up to the expectations he thinks you now have.

SOLUTION: Have your limits firmly set in your mind before he rings your doorbell for that first date. You're less likely to get lost in the moment if you think ahead to the morning after and how you'll fee] if he gets the idea that it doesn't take much for you to compromise your limits. If you have no intention of ending up in bed with him, consider confining your date to very public places.

You must also understand that men are wired differently from women. After intense physical or emotional intimacy, men typically move to reclaim their sense of independence (read: withdraw). They instinctively move away from you, a little or a lot, in preparation for moving closer to you. It's their built-in cycle: independence, intimacy, independence ...

2. Forced Family Ties

Kyle met Lecia at a weight-loss support group. He found her lighthearted, and he laughed when she poked fun at the "CIA conspiracy against carbs." At the end of the evening, he asked her out. When he picked her up for their first date, Lecia introduced him to Johnathan, her teenage son. A couple of weeks later when Kyle arrived to take her to a movie, she gleefully announced that she'd gotten tickets for him and Johnathan to go to a basketball game together instead. She said she wanted the two men in her life to get to know each other. Kyle found it a bit overzealous of her, but well-intentioned. Days later a frantic Lecia called Kyle: "I need you to come over right away. Johnathan stayed out past his curfew, and I told him you'd be coming by to tell him what his punishment will be." They had only had four dates. There was never a fifth.

WHAT WENT WRONG: Too often women find a man they think is wonderful and immediately start folding him in with their children, their mother, the people at the office--all in an effort to test the strength of the relationship. But with each premature introduction comes all kinds of pressure-packed expectations (and opinions) of their romance at a time when he's still trying to wrap his brain around her.

SOLUTION: Let him develop a bond with your peeps at his pace, not yours. Men love to pursue a prospective mate but hate feeling rushed to sign on for a package deal when they aren't ready. And if you have kids, neither they nor your man should be expected to interact like parent and child until after you two are husband and wife.

However, if he's moving at a pace that's much slower than yours--and it's dear that he isn't going to speed up--it's okay to break off the relationship and look for someone whose timetable is closer to yours.

3. No Romance Without Finance

Rachel and Carvin had been dating about six months when her car made a couple of wheezy sputters, then died on the spot. So she asked him for the $500 the mechanic said it would take to fix it. Why not? she figured. If he's supposed to be my man, he ought to be there for me through thick and thin. It wasn't that Rachel was a gold digger who saw Carvin as Mr. Moneybags. It wasn't even about the cash. It's just that she had endured too many boyfriends in the past who said all the right words about love and commitment but failed to back them up. Rachel saw Carvin's willingness to be generous with his hard-earned money as proof that he could offer what mattered even more to her: his commitment. It became clear she was mistaken when he ended the relationship.

WHAT WENT WRONG: A man loves to impress a woman by unexpectedly satisfying some of her needs. Call it the dazzle factor. But he's apt to be missing in action if he's expected to be a cosigner too many times. Call that the demand factor. While a man likes to feel he can give you anything you ask for, he's going to withhold his heart from a woman who makes him jump through hoops to prove it.

SOLUTION: Desiring gifts and expecting them are two different things. It's not unreasonable to look forward to them on your birthday or other special occasions, but it's definitely unwise to expect anyone else's level of generosity to match your expectations. You improve the chances of receiving from him by (a) applauding his generosity whenever he does show it and (b) modeling the behavior you'd like him to emulate. All getting and no giving from you will very likely make his giving temporary. Some options: Occasionally offer to pay for your own dinner, or suggest changing a scheduled date from one that costs to one that doesn't.

4. Information Overload

Monica says there's no point in wasting time with a man who can't deal with "the real me." So on the first few dates with Steve she gave him the full 411 on all her past failed relationships and clinical details about her commitment issues. Monica knew this might be risking too much too soon, but she had been deep into relationships before only to watch the man flee--after she had already invested her heart--because he couldn't handle the real Monica, warts and all. Steve seemed to be handling it all admirably, nodding with compassion and understanding. But before long, he got tied up with a big project at work and couldn't spare a minute for her.

WHAT WENT WRONG: A man values a steady progression from one stage of intimacy and personal disclosure to the next. Skipping ahead is a shock to his system that often sends him packing without giving notice. A man will move on from a woman who seems to be too much emotional work to another who appears less complicated. The tendency to tell all, all at once, however, is not limited to women. Men can be guilty of it as well, and women who encounter them can be equally repelled.

SOLUTION: If you have intimate personal information to share and you're not hearing anything nearly as personal from him, then the relationship hasn't been developed enough to go there. Allow for some reciprocity before progressing to the next level of disclosure. Keep your deep stuff within the confines of your support network. When he's ready to know more, he'll let you know and begin to share some of his own. Until then, remain fully dressed emotionally. It's not deceptive to dole out the real you a piece at a time; it's the wisdom of restraint.

5. Savior Syndrome

Shawna and Rasheed met at the hospital where they were both employed. Rasheed was deeply scarred by his troubled childhood, and Shawna, who had always been attracted to the down-and-out type, figured if she could save him, he would be available to love her. So she became Rasheed's girlfriend-therapist. And like others before him, Rasheed ended up ditching her because all patients leave their nurses when they get better.

WHAT WENT WRONG: Intimate relationships require that partners be peers. If one lover plays the role of emotional caretaker, it's just enough distance between the two to make genuine intimacy impossible. Caretaker types are often unaware that the reason they do it is because they doubt they have anything else appealing about them to attract and sustain a man's romantic attention. So they offer their services instead of themselves. The arrangement is lopsided in another way too: It means 90 percent of the relationship centers on the broken person's needs and feelings. Once a hurting man has been helped back to strength, chances are he'll start looking for a mate who matches his new and improved status. He figures, / deserve more because look how much more man I am now.

SOLUTION: If you have a history of dating wounded men, get help. Look to a good therapist, a minister or your closest friends to help you understand the roots of your rescuing behavior and help you break the habit. If you're dating someone new, ask yourself honestly, Does Tommy sound like Randy? And always get candid feedback from some men in your life who are themselves in healthy relationships.They can tell you how you may come across, which is far more beneficial than your own assumptions.

6. Style Shortchange

Darla was a professional entertainer who knew exactly how to make herself eye-catching: what to wear, how to turn on the glow and how to make an entrance that made tongues dangle. But that all took work, and in her private life she'd rather not bother. When she got around Keith, her boyfriend, Darla preferred to dress down and skip the makeup altogether. Though Keith didn't know how to mention her appearance without the risk of seeming sexist or superficial, he did feel cheated. Darla was the picture of simple, classy style when they first started going out, but now it was nearly always jeans, sweatshirts and an all-too-familiar bandanna. He concluded that she felt he wasn't worth dressing up for anymore, and over time his attraction waned.

WHAT WENT WRONG: When a woman maintains her physical appearance, it's like making love to a man's eyes. The same things that first attracted Keith to Darla are the things that he still appreciated, yet missed. SOLUTION: For every date in which you adopt the all-natural and laidback look, let there be at least a few pulled-together ones. The subliminal message is: "You are worth my looking my best." Whether he ever says anything or not, you can be sure he notices.

7. Always in the Driver's Seat

After Tony and Stephanie's first few dates, she was the one driving the relationship forward, They had to do this, read that and work through problems he wasn't even aware they had. At first Tony went along with it, feeling fortunate that he had such a strong and meticulous woman. But when they became engaged and he watched her drive the bridal party the same way she'd driven the relationship, he saw how put off everybody else was. Before long, he called off the wedding. He decided that rather than have Stephanie run his life, he would run in the other direction.

WHAT WENT WRONG: While it is useful to have high standards, if they are too high, too much time is spent trying to meet them and too little is spent simply basking in each other's company. You may become a more impressive looking couple, but you'll have nowhere near the fun. Sometimes a woman takes a strong leadership role because her guy can't, or won't, so she feels she must. More often than not, though, her controlling tendencies are motivated by perfectionism. Her rigid standards for a relationship are an extension of those she sets for herself. For her, good enough is never good enough.

SOLUTION: When we lose some of the control, we may gain a partner who is willing to go the distance with us. Relax those rigid standards, loosen up and let serendipity rule.

Ronn Elmore, Psy.D., is the best-selling author of How to Love a Black Man and the novel Mercy, Mercy Me (Warner Books/Walk Worthy Press). His relationship seminars are currently featured on T.D. Jakes's God's Leading Ladies national conference tour.

Check in with relationship therapist DR. RONN ELMORE in "The Seven Deadly Dating Sins" (page 116), and learn more about our men and how they play the dating game. One secret the best-selling author reveals: The last thing that men want is to feel responsible for a woman's hurt feelings. They would rather say nothing at all than put themselves in the uncomfortable position of bearing bad news. Mercy, Mercy Me (Warner Books/Walk Worthy Press) is his latest book.

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