Exploding head syndrome

With the election crisis apparently heading toward a conclusion, George W. Bush is tasting victory. I'm guessing he's doing this out of a brown paper bag - while hanging his head out the driver's window, singing "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life."

Anyway, let's look at the more mundane things that affect all of us.

Here's one, for example - an actual letter to Dr. Donohue published Friday (I'm not kidding) in the Gazelle:

"Dear Dr. Donohue: Almost every night as I am on the threshold of sleep, I hear a loud explosion in my head that jolts me out of sleep and has me sitting bolt upright with my heart beating like a bunny's. I am not a happy camper. Any suggestions? - D.S."

I had the exact same problem back in the '80s. After the 37th consecutive night of hearing these loud "explosions" in my head, I remember telling my roommate, Ted Kaczynski, who told me to go back to sleep so he could finish typing his manifesto.

Here now - and I swear I'm not kidding - is Dr. Donohue's actual answer:

"Dear D.S.: There is a bona fide condition with the name Exploding Head Syndrome."

The syndrome twice reached epidemic proportions last week in our own village VFW Hall, first after Hillary Rodham Clinton won a seat in the U.S. Senate - which we all know she intends to use as a springboard to becoming the first female president.

If Colorado Springs Republicans are choking at the thought of "President Hillary," the city of Denver will have to rush down and give our town the Heimlich Maneuver over the phrase "Vice President Ellen DeGeneres."

The second outbreak of Exploding Head Syndrome at the VFW hall came when Bill Clinton landed in Vietnam. The commander in chief of U.S. Armed Forces explained he was 35 years late because he'd misunderstood his draft notice. Instead of "report to duty" he thought it said "report to booty."

As you know, he went on to earn general's stripes in the Booty Brigade. (Monica earned spots.)

While Clinton was in Hanoi, he offended many dignitaries at a state dinner when he tried to impress his host, Gen. Vo Nguyen Giap, by ordering without a translator. Turns out "Moo Goo Kung Pao" isn't a chicken dish like he thought. It's the general's daughter.

Anyway, back to the letter, "D.S." said the explosions in his head leave his heart "beating like a bunny's."

To make things worse, when he went to get his newspaper in the driveway, 12 greyhounds chased him around the block.

According to the letter, the explosions in his head, along with the pounding heartbeat, have made D.S. "not a happy camper."

Turns out the explosions weren't in his head. They were outside his tent while he was camping north of Woodland Park. He had the misfortune of pitching his tent the same night the Division of Wildlife implemented Phase 2 of Operation PEACE - Promptly Euthanizing All Cute Elk.

Of course, the DOW claims this is just another form of Exploding Head Syndrome.

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