Oppositional defiant disorder

In many ways, the Richardson are a pretty typical family Denise is an elementary-school nurse, and until her husband Darryl, was laid off last year, he worked in computer technology for Rutgers University in Newark, New Jersey. Their two children, Denise, 17, end Kenneth, 15 attend the local high school and are involved in many activities, including the marching band (Denise), the wrestling team (Kenny) and track (both).

But the wrestling matches within the three-story home in West Orange, New Jersey, were nothing to cheer about. While Denise was basically a "good girl" (most her issues concerned clothes and dating), Kenny mouthed off to his parents and refused to do even simple household chores. Talking, setting limits and pointing out the consequences didn't work with him. "I've always seen how far I can go before I get in trouble," Kenny admits. "Why? I have no idea. It doesn't make any sense--I realize that."

CLASHES AND CONFLICT

The Richardsons' family drama explode shortly before Kenny's twelfth birthday. He punched a hole in his bedroom wall in a fit of anger. Darryl and Denise's response was to make him repair the wall and paint his entire room.

A few months later, Darryl asked Kenny to clean his room and the dog's cage. Kenny refused. "He jumped in my face, and I grabbed him," Darryl recalls. "One part of my brain wanted to beat him, and the other part was saying, 'Don't do this.' I just couldn't accept it. This was our home, and no child of ours was going to run our home." Darryl told his wife that either Kenny had to leave or he would. "And that's when I called the police," Darryl says.

When they arrived, the police talked to Kenny, who eventually did his chores. But Kenny wasn't completely out of the dog-house. Darryl called the school police when Kenny refused to go to school. "Mules would be jealous of Kenny's stubbornness," Darryl notes.

THE TURNING POINT

Denise felt helpless as she watched the ongoing battle of the testosterone. "I was trying to protect the two of them from each other," she says, "and get my son to understand what we, as parents, wanted him to see." Denis suspected that something was clinically wrong with Kenny, but Darryl wouldn't listen. "You know how men feel about their sons," she says. "My husband thought all I wanted to do was medicate Kenny."

Finally something clicked with Darryl. "I knew I needed help," he says. "Either I was crazy or he was." So the Richardson went to a psychotherapist. The decision to seek help was a turning point in their lives.

Initially the whole family met with the doctor, then just Kenny and his father, Kenny with both parents and, finally, Kenny by himself. "One of the things that changed everything about how my parents saw me is when they found out I had AD/HD [attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder]," Kenny says. "In addition to that, I had something called ODD--oppositional defiant disorder--which means that I don't respect people in authority." (See box for more information on these disorders.)

Kenny's weekly counseling session have provided him with tools for coping with these disorders, including medication as well as a safe place to vent his anger. Counseling also provided Darryl and Denise with new ways of dealing with the son. "When we first went to the counselor, he said something I had a hard time accepting: 'Let him fail,'" Darryl recalls. "Now if something goes wrong and I see that Kenny's going off, I'll walk away or say, 'Fine, you go ahead and live with the consequences.'"

Denise handles Kenny's misdeeds differently: She gives him the silent treatment. Because Kenny feeds off conflict, this noncommunication is tantamount to slow torture. "I don't feel particularly good about it," Denise says of this strategy, "but it works." Lots of things are working better in the Richardson household these days. "As children age, you go from talking to them to talking with them--and that means listening to them," Darryl says.

FAST FACTS: AD/HD and ODD

Children with attention-deficit/hyper-activity disorder, or AD/HD, may show hyperactive behavior, a lack of attention or difficulty concentrating. Other symptoms include:

* Constant fidgeting and restlessnes

* Running or climbing at the wrong time or place

* Excessive talking

* Blurting out answers to questions in school

* Interrupting others

* Difficulty waiting or taking turns Children with oppositional defiant disorder, or ODD, show a persistent pattern of negative, hostile, disobedient and defiant behavior. Other signs of ODD include:

* Losing their temper.

* Arguing with and being defiant toward adults.

* Blaming others for their mistakes.

* Swearing or using obscene language.

* Being touchy, easily annoyed, resentful, spiteful or vindictive.

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