The British bulldog is "in peril". Patriotic dog breeders are furious that the government is considering signing up to the European Convention for the Protection of Pet Animals, which would lay down strict rules on the breeding of pedigrees. The new laws, they say, would eliminate some of the most famous features of Britain's canine breeds, including the popping eyes of the King Charles spaniel, the stumpy legs of the basset hound and - most controversially - the squashed, thuggish face of the British bulldog.

What they don't seem to have noticed is that the bulldog is already in peril - thanks entirely to the breeders themselves. Once a tough little critter used for bull-baiting, the nation's canine alter- ego is now tragically infirm. His sad eyes weep constantly. Strings of drool dangle from his sagging jowls, and he walks with the stilted, spreadeagled gait of an old man wearing an incontinence pad. His flattened nose means that he has to gasp for breath. His head is far too big for his body - a manifestation of chondrodystrophy, or congenital dwarfism, which means that his life will be short and painful.

Nor is he alone in his anguish. Almost half of Britain's 6 million dogs are pedigree, and one in 10 of these will suffer severe health problems because of it. Chihuahuas tend to be stricken with cleft palates, water on the brain and haemophilia. As for the Chinese shar- pei, peering out from under the folds of its oversized skin - its ailments are almost too many to number, but they include inwardly- turned eyelids, thyroid malfunction, breathing problems and a lower lip which curls over the teeth, making chewing almost impossible.

What so-called "dog-lovers" have done to dogs is morally, if not yet legally, indefensible. Pedigree dogs are the barely-living embodiment of man's arrogance towards the animal kingdom. To take one of nature's perfectly good designs and turn it into the goggle-eyed, wheezing, trembling object of pity that is the pug shows an astonishing hubris.

Not content with obsessing over their own appearance, humans seem to have an uncontrollable urge to beautify the lower orders. The toy Pekinese was developed because the Mandarin emperors thought it would look cute nestling in the sleeves of their robes. Boxers were given big eyes and flat faces to make them look more appealingly child- like. Pedigrees are deliberately fashioned to provoke an anthropomorphic reaction. They are made to look vulnerable or comic, lugubrious or inquisitive, because it gives the illusion of humanity - without the inconvenient element of free will.

Sentiment and moral responsibility seldom make good bedfellows, and so it is with pet owners. The more an animal is objectified as an object of beauty or amusement, the worse its lot tends to be. Overfed, under- exercised, kept alive through endless veterinary interventions, the pampered pooch endures a miserable existence.

By comparison, British cats have got off quite lightly. Regarded for centuries as little more than mobile mousetraps, they have never had to suffer the indignities forced upon "man's best friend". The vast majority of cats in this country are still mongrels - which means they are healthy, elegant creatures, not all that far removed from their wild ancestors.

Alas, this happy state of affairs may not last much longer. The Americans - who, despite their mawkish tendencies, regard pets strictly as consumer items - have been busily developing new breeds of cat known as "hyper- types". These are usually descended from one- off genetic accidents - the freaks of the litter, who, under normal circumstances, would be put down. But it appears that there's a growing market for feline oddities, and plenty of unscrupulous breeders happy to cater to it.

If you're sick of the cat licking the butter, you might want to invest in a bob-tailed, folded-ear, curly-coated Munchkin, with legs so stumpy that it can't propel itself off the floor, let alone on to the kitchen table. Most convenient. Or if you just fancy laughing at another creature's afflictions, the Twisty Cat could be for you. Bred to inherit a condition called radial hypoplasia, it suffers from a deformity similar to that caused by Thalidomide in humans. It has no long bones in its legs; only tiny, flipper-like paws, attached directly to its shoulders. Prowling is impossible: instead, it must hop on its back legs like a kangaroo, or use its almost useless front flippers to hobble along. It doesn't just look funny; it suffers dreadfully.

Deformed cats look shocking to British eyes because we are not accustomed to them. Deformed dogs, on the other hand, win prizes at Crufts. That's why we need those Brussels bureaucrats to knock some sense back into dog- lovers. And if it means that the British bulldog can breathe easy again, so much the better.

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