Pilonidal cyst

Every once in a while you'll see something on TV that seems like a "Saturday Night Live" sketch, only it's real.

Exhibit A: Ryan Seacrest filling in for Larry King on CNN.

What, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog wasn't available?

When I flipped to CNN Tuesday night, the metrosexual DJ and host of "American Idol" was dressed in a big boy's suit, but his attempt at gravitas was undercut by a bright pink tie with a knot the size of an apple. Seacrest's guest -- try to say that three times fast -- was Nicole Richie, now so thin she looks like Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride."

"I want to have a very, very big wedding," Richie told Seacrest. "I want it to be very extravagant. I want like hundreds of people and elephants."

So she's a traditionalist.

Richie has written a novel featuring a spoiled-brat heiress, but any resemblance to anyone she knows is purely coincidental. She could just have easily written an international thriller about unrest in the Middle East, dammit!

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My favorite moment came when they went to the phones and Seacrest did his King imitation.

Seacrest: "Big Stone Gap, Virginia. You're on with Nicole Richie. Go ahead."

Caller: "Hi. First off, I'd like to say my fiance loves your hair."

Richie: "Oh, thank you."

Caller: "Well, actually, I was talking about Ryan's."

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To be fair, Seacrest did just fine subbing for King. The tone was pretty much the same as if the Big Guy had been hosting.

After all, King throws more softballs than a six-times-a-week beer-league player.

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You may have heard that Rush Limbaugh is offering complimentary subscriptions to his Web site to members of the U.S. Armed Forces. But as Keith Olbermann of MSNBC noted in naming Limbaugh his "Worst Person in the World" for Nov. 15, Limbaugh isn't giving away the subscriptions -- they're being paid for by Ditto-Heads through Limbaugh's "Adopt a Soldier" program.

From Limbaugh's Web site: "Support our men and women in uniform by giving a subscription to Rush 24/7 and the Limbaugh Letter to a member of the U.S. Armed Forces. Adopt as many soldiers as you like at a discounted price and make sure that our military has full access to all three hours of every Rush Limbaugh Show. Say thank you by giving the gift of Rush to the men and women who protect our freedom . . ."

All for just $49.95.

I'll say this for Limbaugh, he's consistently shameless. Here's a guy who makes tens of millions of dollars per year spouting the company line to his legions of hardcore fans -- yet he's always coming up with new ways to make a buck. Limbaugh's site offers all kinds of crappy schnitzel, including:

uA three-pack of bumper stickers with wacky messages such as, "STILL VOTING DEMOCRAT? YOU'RE STUCK ON STUPID." Only $9.95.

uThe "Jihad Java Cafe Travel Mug," $18.95, and the Club Gitmo Soap On a Rope" for $16.95. Funny stuff!

uA replica of "the same chair that Rush Limbaugh himself sits on each weekday while making broadcast history." The "Prestigious Attila the Hun Chair" goes for just $519.90.

Yet with all those moneymaking endeavors, the man who avoided military service during Vietnam because of a pilonidal cyst doesn't simply donate subscriptions -- he sells them to listeners for $49.95 and THEN passes on the subscriptions to the troops.

Using the war to line your silk pockets? Priceless.

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At least 50 readers have pointed out that wrestler Matt Hardy shouldn't have been included in my column on the Shocker.

"As someone who has snuck the shocker into friends' pictures since my freshman year at UMass [1995-96], it is very amusing to see an article about it in a reputable newspaper," writes Brendan Faherty of Boston.

"When Jeff Hardy left the wrestling world for a while, Matt had to come up with a new gimmick, and he returned as Matt Hardy Version 1.0. His hand signal . . . was the pointer and middle finger extended, forming a V, the ring finger totally bent, and the pinky extended. The result looks like a 'V-1' for 'Version 1.0,' his gimmick at the time."

Thanks for the explanation. Here's hoping we see a Version 1.0 of the Bears' Bobby Wade this Sunday. Suggested hand gesture: the Non- Fumbler.

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News item: Of the 23,547 complaints filed with the FCC in July, 23,542 came from the Parents Television Council, which provides handy online complaint forms for members who aren't comfortable thinking for themselves.

So in the entire country, only five individuals took it upon themselves to complain to the FCC in July. Guess that means 99.9 percent of the population believes in regulating their own viewing and listening habits, rather than letting the government decide. Awesome.

E-mail: rroeper@suntimes.com

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